Today seems to be a difficult day for me. I woke up consumed by fear. Tomorrow is our very first ultrasound and I can not stop shaking, fearing for the worst.
What if there isn’t a baby in there? What if there is but he/she is in the wrong place? What if there isn’t a heart beat?
There are so many unanswered questions that just seem to consume every inch of my body.
Of course I talked to Tom about my fears this morning, and of course, he just lay his head on my belly and told me not to worry because his little princess was growing happily inside of my belly. Of course, that just made me all teary and sentimental
This entire process of Infertility seems to take over you entire sense of security and faith. I pray every day to God to show me that these crazy thoughts in my head are just not true and to show me the way to his blessings.
I pray to God that he will give me a miracle to keep, another miracle that I’ll be able to hold in my arms and watch him/her grow.
It’s been very difficult to stay focused and calm today. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow laying at the ultrasound table.
Oh that table, I know I’ll be so afraid of looking at the screen but at the same time I know that I won’t be able to help myself.
All of this time I’ve been telling myself that we are pregnant and that we have two beautiful babies in there. Why am I doubting all of it now?
I have no idea why. Well, I know why. It’s because I have had 3 losses and I don’t want to go through that pain again. Yes I have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy who I love so freaking much. There’s only so much squeezing that he’ll let me do to him. lol
I’m so afraid that there isn’t a baby in there and that I”ll have to tell him that mommy no longer has a baby inside of her belly.
The thought of that bring me down to my knees in tears.
Agh, I hate this feeling and I don’t wish it upon anyone. I don’t have enemies but if I did I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemies.
So here’s for a better day tomorrow. Here’s for a miracle that is healthy and growing in the right place. Snuggled inside of mommy.