Struggling to keep smiling


I don’t know how to even explain how I’m feeling. I just feel so defeated and just lost today.

Did I underestimate what this journey was going to be like ? Did u not learn how difficult this was going to be from my previous experience?

I guess not. I guess I must have assumed that since I’ve “been there and done that” that maybe it would hurt less or that maybe I wouldn’t worry as much. It’s hard to tell what the hell is going on right now.

I just feel like I’m drowning  in emotions and I have no clue which one to address first.


Sometimes I feel like I’m just sitting there watching life happen right before my eyes and yet I can’t seem to move, I can’t seem to participate and do much. I’ve been trying SO HARD to be productive at home, at work and yet I feel like I’m in the way more days than not.

I just see everyone so busy and occupied with their lives and there I am, sunken into this deep whole where my thoughts and emotions are taking over. What emotions do I feel??

Well, that’s a complicated question. I’m sad, I’m upset and I’m very frustrated……….those are just a few of them.

Above all I feel lost and very much hopeless. How many more treatments will we have to endure? How are we going to be able to afford all of this? Am I going to be able to cope with these emotions, especially since Tom is always traveling.

Should I really try to expand our family or just settle? I know that I KNOW the answer to that question, I know that I’m not done with growing our family. but I guess that the pain is such right now that I’m actually considering quitting ??

I’m sorry to be such a downer but as I mentioned before, I can’t seem to get out of this ocean of emotions and I’m not sure what to do.