Starting A New Round of Treatment

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I had an appointment with my RE this past Saturday and I’m happy to say that my cysts are gone and that my lining is looking great.

Of course those were wonderful things to hear and what I was hoping to hear as well.

Then nurse C came in to see me. She said that since everything was looking so terrific that I could start my shots the following day. I was very much shocked, to say the least, but very much excited as well.

I left with my instructions and a smile from ear to ear. Then as soon as I started to think about it all, it hit me.

Pure and intense fear. So many questions flooded my mind. “what if it doesn’t work?” “what if it works but I lose it again?”

It never cease to amaze me how intense these feelings can be………it never cease to amaze me how incredibly tormenting this journey is.
How can one situation produce so many contradictory feelings. How can I be afraid of failing yet very much afraid of succeeding ?? How could this be ???

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Today is my second day of shots and so far so “good” (as good as shooting yourself can be) but I have to say that I feel more soreness than I have ever had. I guess I might be more “fragile” due to the loss ?? I’m not sure.

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I have a lot of thoughts going through my head all of the time and although I had been feeling down a lot, starting this treatment has given me more strength and something to look forward to.  If that makes sense.

I truly believe that what kicks me down and keeps me down is not knowing what’s next. The unknown is just painful for me.

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I have an appointment coming up on Feb 1st (friday) and see what the progress looks like. I guess IUI should happen sometime next week?? WOW I didn’t think about that.

Wish me luck.

 

 

Struggling to keep smiling

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I don’t know how to even explain how I’m feeling. I just feel so defeated and just lost today.

Did I underestimate what this journey was going to be like ? Did u not learn how difficult this was going to be from my previous experience?

I guess not. I guess I must have assumed that since I’ve “been there and done that” that maybe it would hurt less or that maybe I wouldn’t worry as much. It’s hard to tell what the hell is going on right now.

I just feel like I’m drowning  in emotions and I have no clue which one to address first.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m just sitting there watching life happen right before my eyes and yet I can’t seem to move, I can’t seem to participate and do much. I’ve been trying SO HARD to be productive at home, at work and yet I feel like I’m in the way more days than not.

I just see everyone so busy and occupied with their lives and there I am, sunken into this deep whole where my thoughts and emotions are taking over. What emotions do I feel??

Well, that’s a complicated question. I’m sad, I’m upset and I’m very frustrated……….those are just a few of them.

Above all I feel lost and very much hopeless. How many more treatments will we have to endure? How are we going to be able to afford all of this? Am I going to be able to cope with these emotions, especially since Tom is always traveling.

Should I really try to expand our family or just settle? I know that I KNOW the answer to that question, I know that I’m not done with growing our family. but I guess that the pain is such right now that I’m actually considering quitting ??

I’m sorry to be such a downer but as I mentioned before, I can’t seem to get out of this ocean of emotions and I’m not sure what to do.

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Carrying on with life……

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Well it’s almost been 2 weeks since we found out that we lost our pregnancy and as one would expect life keeps on going and we got to keep on moving.

I can’t help but think about today. I know it is so very silly of me but if we were still pregnant we would be going in for an ultrasound today. I already had that in mind so it’s kind of hard to not “remember” it. I most likely won’t be mentioning any of this to my dear husband or anyone else for that matter but here I am posting about it. I sometimes feel like this should matter to someone……. it just should

Our little family has so much going on lately that it’s been keeping me busy for sure……….and when i least expect and think that we are so busy that I don’t even have time to think about what has happened…………….it hits me and I’m thinking about it. It’s just insane and it makes no sense.

My big 30 birthday is approaching and it’s getting to me. It has nothing to do with the actual age itself but the fact that I don’t have more kids in our family.

I know this might sound silly to some, and I don’t mean to offend anyone by any means……….

It’s just that I had all of these plans in my life and I KNOW that most of them has not come anywhere near being accomplished but with all of that being said, there’s always been ONE thing that I didn’t even dare think that it wouldn’t happen. And that is being a mom, having a family.

Tom and I, we LOVE kids and I just don’t understand why it is so difficult for some to have them. Why those who want them the most are just not allowed to have them.

I get that going through this journey has made us stronger as a couple and most definitely as parents and that we are somehow a little different than some other parents or families…..that still doesn’t make much sense to me sometimes.

I just hope that I can one day understand His plans and why we had to go through this journey…………I wish to be able to look back and say “ohhh that’s why this had to happen to me” “this is what I learned from it”.
I sure hope that one day I will be that lucky.

 

 

Dealing with a miscarriage

The Five Stages of Grief

The Five Stages of Grief

Unfortunately my husband and I have gone through a loss before. I went in for my 12wk ultrasound……..I was actually almost 14wks. I knew something was off, it was just a feeling and that’s when we found out that we had lost our baby.

I’m not going to lie to you, it was SO hard. I had to go through a D&C and actually had to wait  3 days to have my D&C because of the weekend. It broke me to my core. It was horrible and I don’t wish that on anyone.

Here’s the thing. Everyone knew that I was pregnant and they were all so very nice and attentive to me throughout our loss. It felt “nice” to be acknowledged and to know that I could count on people. It was also very eye opening to see friends and even family say hurtful things and treat us so totally different.

This time around, I find myself yet at a different road. We haven’t really told many people that we were trying again. We just didn’t want to say it and what if it didn’t happen, what if we had another loss.

Well, here we are……..and we have yet another loss.

Let me tell you, it makes no stinky difference how far along I was. I have found myself letting more and more people know about our loss than what I had expected.

I don’t know what it is but I need people to know that this type of things happen and that although I might be happy for right now, that my mood might just change with a blink of an eye and I’ll get sad suddenly. That these emotions have nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

Going through this journey always teaches me something different and it always shows me the true color of people around me. You find that those that you thought were your friends, get annoyed and upset that you’re not your happy self and that you’re not there to make them happy. Yet they don’t see that this is the time where THEY have to be there for you. It’s a strange, strange thing to see and be a part of.

My emotions lately have been all over the place. I remember having the same problem with our previous loss and I just have to learn how to deal with it.

TMI ALERT:

As far as the actual miscarriage this time around. It’s like a really heavy period with more intense cramps and lots and lots of clots.
I’ve always had really heavy menses so this is just a “bad” one. I had my blood work done this friday and got a call this morning that it’s finally low and negative.

For now I’ll just try to get through this part of it all and take birth control pills to shrink a stupid cyst that I have left over. Then once that’s gone I can hopefully get back to trying.

 

Miscarriage. No matter how early it happens, it still counts

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Unfortunately I don’t have such good news.

I got a call from my RE’s office yesterday right before lunch. The sweet nurse said, “unfortunately it’s not good news”. Somehow I already knew this was going to happen. Part of me (a small part) was already ready to hear those words. She said that she was sorry and that she was really hoping to deliver good news to me. My beta came back at a 9.

After I got off the phone, I excused myself from the room (I was at work) and called my husband. I went into my car and just sat there talking to him and crying my eyes out. Of course he knew exactly what to say to me, as he always does. He told me that even though we thought that this was the perfect time and all that we were not giving up and that we would get pregnant again.

I sat in my car for a while longer after we talked because I looked like a clown after crying like that. I got myself back together and went back to work. My coworkers knew what was happening and they were super sweet as well.

Not a lot of people knew that we were pregnant but some did. I have to say that I have THE BEST support group. I have met these ladies through an IF forum and they’ve been with me ever since. Some of them I’ve never met but some I have and I’m always amazed at how AMAZING all of these ladies are.

I depend on them so much as well, I’m not sure they know how much I appreciate them and need them. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able the express how truly great full I am to have them in my life. I even got a voice mail from one of them and I’m just so blessed to have them in my life.

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I just wanted to say that when you hear from someone that they had a miscarriage, don’t be afraid of it. You don’t have to say anything special to that person. All you have to say is “I’m sorry and I’m here for you”. Don’t get too involved on trying to say that this just wasn’t the time or that things happen for a reason. Trust me, we don’t want to hear those things right now and unfortunately we hear them a bit too often. All that we do need is to know that you are there for us and that you support us, that’s all.

So, what’s next for us? Right now I’m scheduled for more blood work for next Monday and if I start my period before hand, then I’ll just give my RE a call and go in to see him.

Side note: My RE (Dr.Colver) called me last night to see how I was doing and explain to me what has happened and why. We talked for a bit and he was very sweet. I love that he called and tried to comfort me.

So, once my period starts I’m not sure if we’re going to jump right back into action or sit out a cycle. I’ve read about the pros of trying right away but I’m not sure exactly if that’s a good idea or not, or even if my doctor is comfortable with that option or not. I guess we have to wait and see.

Just remember that just because it’s called a “chemical pregnancy” it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t count. I was pregnant for a little over 8 days and I was blessed. It counts, I love my little poppy seed and so did his daddy. We love you angel.

 

 

 

Praying for a miracle

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Today might be the day when we finally find out what the outcome of this pregnancy might be.

I woke up super early and headed out to the lab. I got there and just waiting for my turn. There was another lady waiting as well and although I’m not sure I for some reason believe that she was there to also check if she’s pregnant.

It’s amazing how one day can make such a huge difference in our lives.

I tested this morning as I have been doing everyday, and it’s still positive but as it was yesterday it’s still not as dark as the control line.

I’m trying my best to hang on to that thing thread of hope and believe that a miracle can still happen today. Hope that perhaps everything is going to be ok with this pregnancy.

Because the truth about it all is that no matter how much I tell myself that I’m preparing for the worst, it doesn’t matter, if the outcome is not for the best the pain that I’m going to feel will still be the same, no matter how much I’ve tried to guard myself from it.

I have the best husband and he has tried so hard to keep me positive and to ensure me that everything is going to be ok. I truly don’t know how I would ever been able to go through all of this roller coaster without him by my side.

So, for now, for this moment, this very same hour I’m still pregnant and I’m going to try to believe that I’ll stay that way for months to come.

 

Pregnant? Maybe…….still in limbo and hoping for a miracle

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I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while but things are so confusing that I’m not even sure what to say.

I started to test when I was 7dpiui. I got negatives on day 7,8 and9.  For some odd reason, right after midnight on December 31st I walked into my bathroom and grabbed a stick. I looked at it and said out loud “I’m going to pee on you and I”m not leaving until you show me a second line, I mean it”

There I was, just past midnight and I was determined to get a Big Fat Positive. I sat there waiting and I thought that I was imagining things. I saw the faintest (and I really mean the faintest) second line ever! I called the husband over to look at it and with the help of a flashlight (Yes you read this right, I used a flashlight) he was able to see it.

Of course after that I tested everyday and everyday the lines were getting darker. So this past Wednesday 11dpiui I decided to call my Re’s office and let them know that I tested positive. They left it to me to get a blood work now or later. Of course I decided to do it that same day. I guess I shouldn’t have.

I got a call the next day that my beta was at a 12. The nurse said that since it was so early, that she expected that and that all it meant was that I was pregnant and that we needed to repeat it on friday. I went in on friday at 13dpiui and got yet another beta done, but this time I had to use a different lab because of the hours and all.

I got the call. My beta came back at a 15! Big wooping POOOO.

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My Re’s nurse is super sweet. she told me not to give up and since I was still testing early it could catch back up and thing could be ok.

So here I am. Am I pregnant? I guess so. Will I stay pregnant ? I have no flipping clue.

Today is the actual day that I was suppose to test and of course I tested this morning and the line is darker than ever. I don’t know what to make of it. All of this is confusing and I’m trying MY BEST to not be negative and think of the best outcome but I guess it’s not in my nature to think that way.

I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling somewhat pregnant. I have on and off nausea, my bbs are sore and I’m overly tired. But then again it could all be from the Endometrin.

All that I can do now is continue to pee on the stick and hope for the best. I’ve read some amazing stories of success with such low betas BUT I’ve read A LOT MORE losses than anything. Soooooooo as much as I wish to believe that miracles can happen………it’s hard to when the history of it all says so otherwise.

So for today, I’m going to try and enjoy that I’m “pregnant” and just PRAY to God that a miracle will happen and that everything is going to be ok.