Keep on Trying = BFN

 

The dreadful 2 week wait is over and unfortunately we did not get pregnant. I’m not going to lie, the waiting to find out was pure torture.

I guess I assumed that since I already have a miracle in our lives that perhaps I would not stress over all of this so much and man was I so very wrong.

I won’t lie here, what got me through it all was my sweet little boy. I would tell him that I wasn’t feeling good and needed a hug and he would hug me and kiss me and for that split second, everything melted away and I felt at peace

It is very strange that I felt so very pregnant (and still do) and yet we didn’t get pregnant. I’m not sure how to explain it to everyone, I just did and I guess I was (again) very wrong.

So, what’s next for us? Well, here I am waiting for aunt flow to show her ugly face so I can then start on birth control pills. I’m very sure that I still have cysts since I can feel my ovaries being very sore still.

Our new RE has a very different protocol than or old one. He wants me to take the BCP and wait for AF to show up before I come in. My old one did not do that and that’s strange for me. But I can’t change how he works so it is what it is.

I’m not even sure what I want to do about going through treatment during the hard winter. I have to drive for over 1 hour on a good day to be monitored so I don’t know what I want to do when there’s snow on the ground. Perhaps I can convince my doctor to be ok with my OB monitoring me while I undergo treatments? I don’t know, i guess I won’t know until I ask.

We are packing up and going on a little vacation to see a dear friend of mine and I’m so very excited about it.

We will be spending Thanksgiving with her and her family and I’m sooooo excited. It will also help us forget about all of this journey and I’m hoping that some other, better news will come along with this little visit.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! Stay strong, stay positive!!!

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11dpiui and losing all hope

 

 

 

This is defenitely how I’m feeling today, I tested this morning and still got the evil BFN!

I’m loosing all hopes here and it is just sad. I have a mix of symptoms that is just driving me nuts. Today after I got that terrible negative, I was driving to work and started to feel nauseated. That never happens unless I’m pregnant and I just don’t believe that I am.

My bbs are still pretty sore and I have other pregnancy symptoms but then I also have these weird feelings and I think that’s just AF about to show her ugly self.

Tom is still out of the country and I’ve been feeling pretty alone and just down these couple of days.

I knew going in that the likelihood of this working the very first time was very very small, but a girl can dream, right??

It is just torturous to have to go through so much and not have the outcome that we want.

I know so many beautiful warriors that have been trying for their second miracle and still haven’t been able to and it is just so unfair. So unfair.

Will I be testing again tomorrow?? Absolutely. But I’m pretty sure that I know what the outcome will be. I’m trying to prepare myself and see if I can go on BCP’s right away since I always have cysts left over anyways.

 

9dpiui and torturing myself

 

 

That’s how I feel like today.

I don’t know why I like to torture myself so freaking much. What is wrong with me?

I won’t lie, I have been obsessively POASing for the past 3 days. I can not freaking help myself. I suck!

Yesterday I thought (and I mean THOUGHT) that I saw a very, very, very faint second line and got my hopes up and got all excited.

Today I thought that perhaps I would see another second line, perhaps a little darker. NOPE! I didn’t see a second line at all.

What does that mean? Well it means that I’m going freaking insane, that’s what it means.

Now I”m not even sure if I have many symptoms at all. I’m starting to think that it’s all inside of my crazy head and I’m not really feeling any of these things.

Today I just feel like a failure and feel like crawling into a ball and crying my eyes out.

Today, I thought a lot about our angel baby and everything that we have gone through.

It doesn’t help that Tom is overseas and that we don’t have much time to talk since we are 14 hrs apart and when he’s waking up I’m at work and when I’m waking up he’s going to sleep.  I just sucks. I’m in one of those moods today.

That's how I'm feeling today!

I keep telling myself that perhaps this treatment is not suppose to work because of a very tiny little possibility that we might adopt. Even though we might not even be able to do it anyways.

See, there’s just so many unanswered things out in the air with us and for me that is just pure TORTURE!  The unknown is just mean. No, actually knowing that you might get result A or B and just sit and wait without being able to do anything about it to swing to either side, now THAT”S torture!

This sucks.

Half Way There

 

Today marks the half way point of this dreadful 2ww. Of course I tested this morning and as much as I wish I could say that it didn’t make me feel a little said, well it did.

You would think that by now I would know that there’s no way I would be able to get a positive this early on, but I guess a girl has dreams and I can’t help herself.

I have a bazillion symptoms and today my friend looked at me and Asked me ” did u put lotion in ur face?” I said no and asked her why.

She said that because my skin was very shiny and she said “dare I say glowing”

Man I hope she’s right.

The last time I heard such comment I was pregnant with our precious miracle.

With all of that being said, I ask myself, how could it possibly work this time around? I only had one follicle and it will be a true miracle if it did.

Well, I guess I’ll try my best to stay strong and positive.

4dpIUI

Today it is the 4th day past our IUI, 10 more days to go.  I woke up in the middle of the night needing to use the little girls room.

I don’t usually do that, but perhaps I just drank too much water before I went to sleep ? Did i have a bad dream and just realized that I had to use the bathroom? I have not clue.

Well, since I was there and fully awake, I decided to test and see if the trigger was out of my system and sure enough, it is.

There might have been a very very light second line there but barely anything really. I had to stare at it for a LONG time to notice it.

I also felt some heart burn when I woke up and that was strange but I’m brushing that off as well.

I was able to go back to sleep and after waking up again for work there was something else that I noticed.

This is way TMI and perhaps discussing. So skip the next paragraph if u don’t want to know.

I clean my ears every single day. Why? Well, I have ears that over produces wax. It’s horrible, I hate it. The last 2 times that I was pregnant, I noticed that my ears don’t produce as much wax. Today I was cleaning my ear and looked at that cue tip and there wasn’t much at all, actually, barely nothing. That made me smile for a second or two.

Today I’ve been feeling some “pressure” like symptoms. My left side more than my right. But who knows.

I’m just documenting things and we shall see what happens from there.

ohhh I’m noticing I’m being a lot more sentimental these past 2 days. go figure right??

 

3dpIUI

 

Good Morning everyone,
Today is day 3 after our IUI and of course it feels like time is going by so very slow.

I’m trying not think about symptoms or whatever, but it is so hard to do that.

Yesterday after work, I went to the dollar store and bought myself 5 tests. I have not used any of them. and my intention is to wait a couple more days to test to make sure that the trigger is out of my system.

Then today when I was googling images to post here I saw this lady to tested everyday and just paired them up to see the line changes and I thought that it was such a great idea.

I don’t think I’m going to do that because I KNOW it’s going to drive me insane.

As far as symptoms. the only thing that I can say is that I feel bloated all of the time. I can not seem to be able to tuck in my belly. No matter how much I tried it doesn’t retrieve. LOL

I also feel little twinges here and there in my breasts but I don’t make much out of that.

I have been feeling more tired lately, I can barely sit on the couch to watch TV (once Patryck is asleep of course) that I get super sleepy and end up falling asleep on the couch.

The days are a little harder to deal with than once I’m home. I find myself wondering off into the “what ifs” a lot and then can’t seem to focus on things at work. Which sucks because I have tons to do at work.

I’m trying my best to just focus on our little vacation that we are taking for Thanksgiving and try my best to come us with a to do list and packing list before the actual trip.

I have to pack and get ready all by myself since Tom is out-of-town.
With that being said, I better make sure that I don’t forget anything otherwise I’ll be in trouble. (well, not really but I will feel like it)

So, symptoms: Bloated, twinges, and hunger!!! for salty things again.

Here’s hoping I can stay sane for the next 11 days.

Welcome to the dreadful 2WW

 

I’m sorry I haven’t updated for a while, but between TTC#2, our beautiful son, work and getting ready for the husband to go on a business trip, life has been pretty busy around here.

To recap, my cycle started on 10/22 (monday), I went in on 10/24 for my baseline ultrasound and was given the green light to start my meds. I started with 75IU of Menopur and 50IU of Follistim.

On Halloween day (10/31) I went in for my ultrasound and blood work. I saw lots of follies on my right side but they were still at around 9-10mm. My left had a couple and were at around 11mm. My E2 was at 122 and my lining was at 9.2mm. I was then told to up my dosage of Follistim to 100IU for the next 3 nights and to return on Saturday for another round of u/s and bw.

On 10/27 (sat) I went in for my appointment. The ultrasound tech said that my follies on the right side were still a bit small and didn’t give me much measurements. She tried to get to my left ovary and couldn’t see anything.

That really puzzled me. I told her that I was having some major pressure there and that there had to be something in there. She then said that she would do an ultrasound from the top of my belly to see. What do you know, a HUGE 22mm follicle took over my ovary. She was taken back that she couldn’t see that (as was I)

They took my blood and told me that I would most likely trigger that night but to wait to hear from them since the doctor had to be the one to give the final say.

A couple of hours later, I got a call from the nurse. My E2 was at 281 and doc said to go ahead and trigger. I triggered that night and waited for my appointment on monday morning.

On 11/05/2012 at 9:45am we got our insemination done. The nurse was very sweet and nice and explained a lot of what was going on to us.

our counts were great at 78mil and 58% motility. Then she said that she could definitely see that I was ovulating and that it was a great sign.

Now, here we are, 1dpIUI and waiting patiently to the day we get to pee on a stick. LOL

I started my Endometrim first thing this morning and will be doing it in the morning and at night. (yay for me, right!? NOT)

Let’s hope it doesn’t drive me too crazy with the side effects.

Here’s to trying to stay positive and hoping that these 2 weeks will fly by.