Wheel of emotions

Where am I going to fall in today?

When someone tells you that they are pregnant, what is the first thought in your mind?

First you congratulate them and then you think about how happy that person must be feeling, right?

It’s hard to describe how a person that has been dealing with IF feels while they’re pregnant. It’s not that we’re not happy. Believe me, we are. But we’re so overcome with fear that something can go wrong that we simply don’t allow ourselves to be happy.

During my first pregnancy, I was always so scared that something was going to happen, as if my insides knew that something was going to happen. I hate that I was right, something did happen, we lost our baby.

As of now, I did feel much calmer in the beginning but much more cautious. I want to be super happy and scream from the top of my lungs that I’m pregnant, but I’m so scared to do that.

I’m so afraid that I’ll get my heart broken again, I’m afraid that I’ll get my hopes up and then I’ll get crushed once more.

Although I was nervous before, it was nothing like what I’m feeling now. After my little Endometrin accident I’ve been feeling much more anxious. Anytime you see any type of blood, no matter how little it is, one can’t help but freak out.

The worst part is that there’s NOTHING anyone can do to prevent or foresee what’s going to happen next.   Even when you call your doctor all they tell you is to relax and that everything is going to be ok.

How can they expect us to relax? They know that it’s just impossible.

This thing with inserting the Endometrin is very nerve wrecking to me.  The first time it happened it wasn’t bad, then the second time it freaked me out. I called my RE and they told me that it’s normal and that I should relax. (Yeah right).

The other night it happened again, my husband asked me what was wrong (since he could see it in my face) and I told him that it happened again. He said, ok let me see. He looked at the applicator and he tells me “that’s not red” so I asked him what did he think it was, he said “it looks like pink lip gloss”.

I couldn’t help myself and we both laughed so hard. So, I now refer to this as the pink lip gloss incident.

Last night, there it was again. The darn pink lip gloss showed up. I can’t sleep through the night when that happens. I always wake up between 2am and 3am, I ran to the bathroom to check and see if I’m bleeding or not.

Thankfully I wasn’t. But I did see a little faint pink on TP when I got up in the morning. The worst part is that it makes sense though. If you scratched yourself and nothing came out at first, it’s going to come out eventually, right?

Today everything is ok. I don’t see anything else. I don’t have any cramps or anything else.

Just my head that keeps me freaked out all day long.

I want to be happy and enjoy being pregnant. I want to be stress free, worry free and filled with only joy.

I know that this won’t happen until I have my baby in my arms.

I’ve been praying more than ever lately and I hope that He’s listening to me. I hope that my biggest wish can come true.

Pray, pray, pray.

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7 comments

  1. J. G. · January 12, 2010

    I am praying with you girl! I know you are on pins and needles, just keep hanging in there, you are doing just fine.
    xoxo Jen

    • wtbocianski · January 12, 2010

      This journey is just so hard. It’s hard to tell what’s normal and what’s not. I’ve already lost an angel baby and I don’t know how much more I can take.
      I’m very happy that I have such wonderful friends and family member that support and help me through all of this.
      Thank you mamma Jen.

  2. 21reena · January 12, 2010

    I’ll pray for you too! I haven’t lost a baby or ever been PG so I know I can’t relate – but with all this time spent TTC I can only imagine the fear of losing a baby. Hopefully you’ll be holding your baby soon and the worry will be miles away!

    • wtbocianski · January 12, 2010

      Thank you sweetie.
      Today has been one of those days that I’m dreading oh so much.
      Maybe it’s because my due date was supposed to be this upcoming saturday. It’s just been a hard day.

  3. Pingback: 2010 in review « Our journey to parenthood
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