Is this really happening?

These past couple of days has been surreal for me.

I’ve been having tons of symptoms but I know that they can all be caused by the Endometrin that I’ve been taking. In fact, every time I had a new “symptom” I would Google “Endometrin Side Effects” and sure enough there it was.

I had POAS on Christmas Eve to make sure that the trigger shot was out of my system and it was.

Then, of course, I could no longer control myself and I started to torture myself by POAS almost every day.

At 10dpiui I POAS and I got a BFN. I was upset but we all know that it’s way too early in the game anyway. Then I POAS again at 11dpiui since for my first pregnancy I had gotten a positive then. I waited the required amount of time and again BFN!!

I went to work feeling pretty down and sad that this didn’t work again.  When I got home, DH had gone out of town for work and I was alone. I went to the ladies room and looked at the morning test and I saw it, a second line.

My first thought was, this isn’t possible, this has to be an evaporated line and it means nothing. Of course I could not control myself and I test with First Response. There it was, a faint second line. It was faint, but it was there.

I could not wait and had to call DH. He was so excited but I could tell that he didn’t want to get too excited about it. He asked me to test again in the morning and see what happens.

I could barely sleep at night; I woke up and ran to the bathroom. Now it was 12dpiui and I used an EPT digital response. Those magical words came up and I ran back to bed waiving the stick around and letting DH know that this was true. I got a BFP!

We had a little talk about this and we are super excited but at the same time very cautious about it. DH thinks that we might jinx it if we tell people.  I think that whatever is meant to be is going to be and that it won’t make any difference how many people know or doesn’t. The pain or the joy will be the same no matter what. Right?? Right!

I already called my RE and all I had to say was “guess what?” The receptionist started to laugh and be all joyful and happy on the phone with me. The only thing that sucks is that we have to wait until the 31st to get the blood test done. They want a count as accurate as possible. I understand that but I wish I could go today since my RE’s office only opens half a day on the 31st.

Anyway, here we are cautiously excited. I think that we want this SO BADLY that we’re afraid that someone is just pulling our leg.

Pray for us tomorrow. God, please let our numbers be good!? Amen.

Merry Christmas !!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Today is Christmas Eve and I’m swimming in a sea of different emotions.

I’m happy and excited to have our family over, which I know will keep me busy and keep my mind off things but at the same time I’m very emotional about it.  Yesterday it dawn to me that they were supposed to be coming over because of my angel baby’s arrival and I’m not pregnant. (I don’t know yet).

Then there is the unknown too. Today is the half way mark for me. It’s been 7 days since my IUI and I have yet another 7 days to go.

The second week always drags and it just sucks.

As I always do, I decided to test to make sure that the trigger shot was out of my system and it is.

Now all I have to do is hold on tight until next week and test again then.

My mom yesterday said to me “your skin looks so beautiful” then I looked at her and she had a huge smile on her face. She then said “you do know what that means, right?” I just pretended that I didn’t hear her question and went about what I was doing.

I guess there’s the belief that when someone is pregnant their skin looks beautiful or something like that.  All I can say to that is, I sure hope that she’s right.

Tonight we’ll have our big Christmas dinner and exchange gifts and all. I’m sure it will be lots of fun but right now, this exact second, I can’t help but feel sad and scared that I won’t ever become a mommy.

I feel like an emotional wreck and I have to keep a nice, happy composure tonight. I just hope that I can pull it off.

Anyway. Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope you can find happiness through the Holidays.

Here’s to a better 2010!!

5 days past IUI

9 Days to Go.

It’s been 5 days since our IUI. We’re almost half way there. I guess with Christmas and all approaching I’ll hopefully be busier and not think so much about all of this. (Let’s hope).

I’ve been trying not to notice every little thing but darn it it’s so hard.

TMI ALERT!!!

I guess it started with my bbs being super sore. It has gotten a lot better but they’re still a little sensitive but not bad. Sometimes I have this weird feeling “running” through my bbs and then the tip gets really sensitive but that doesn’t last too long.

Then the other night (3dpiui) I woke up 3 times in the middle of the night to pee. That for me is very strange because I NEVER (and I mean it), never get up in the middle of the night.

Then yesterday I started to have some really bad heartburn. It eventually went away at night but it lingered all day long. It could have been the couple of slices of pizza that I had for lunch…..who knows.

Today, actually stated when I went to bed, I started to have some lower abdomen pressure.

I first noticed when I went to use the ladies room this morning. I felt so much pressure when I peed. It was the weirdest feeling. This pressure, bloating, soreness feeling is still here and this is a first for me.

I’ve had the “gassy” feeling before but this is a little different. It’s very focused right in the center lower part of my stomach. I am a little gassy but that doesn’t “hurt” and it’s not bad. I know, sorry, TMI.

OMG, this is just way too much information to be sharing online, but what the heck.

At times I get really excited about this treatment and I have this great feeling that it’s going to work, then I have times that I’m so darn scared that I think this is not going to work and it freaks me out.

I have been very emotional lately but I think that I was expecting that already.

I was watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians” the other night and I’m super ok with looking at or hanging out with anyone who is pregnant. UNTIL, they showed the ultrasound. I just started to cry uncontrollably. The good thing is that Hubby wasn’t home when I first watched it but when he was watching it I still had tears coming down my face even though I wasn’t even looking at the TV.

Anyway, I still have another 9 days to do. I’m not sure how I’m going to hold on and not freak out until then.

I guess having guests at home will keep me busy enough and I won’t be obsessing as much (hopefully).

Got to go to the market today and get some last minute things for Christmas.

Hanging in there! only 12 more days to go

It’s only been 2 days since my IUI and I can totally see myself obsessing already. It’s strange that I don’t really feel freaked out (like I used to) but I do find myself looking online way more often than I should to check on my support group and to read other IF blogs.

This IUI felt different than the others. I don’t feel as much pressure and cramps as I did before and I’m not sure what to make of that.

I already have my mom calling me every day to ask me “what’s new?” (As if I’m going to tell her something that I’m pregnant already or something). I already asked her to please not call me every day to ask me that, I won’t know anything any time sooner just because she calls me.

But you know how it is, moms are always going to worry and mine is no different.

It’s strange for me because when I was pregnant with my angel baby I had some different things happen to me. Such as, I could not stand this one person at work. I’m not kidding you, every time I would hear this person’s voice it would make me cringe. This is happening again…..I can’t stand it. I have no idea why, I just can’t handle it.

Another “thing” was me wanting to eat salty things. Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate just as much as any other girl, but while pregnant I wanted salty and not sweet. Guess what I want to eat now? Salty!

The thing is, I know it’s WAY too early for all of this to be happening so all I can do is blame it on all of those shots that I took. That’s right; I’m blaming it on hormones. What else could it be?!

I’m trying to not do any heavy lifting, I’ve cut out caffeine and I’m only drinking one decaf cup of coffee a day, and I’m regularly taking all my meds and just trying to relax.

It’s going to be hard relaxing right before Christmas but I’m going to try.

Our Christmas plans are going to be quite interesting. For Christmas Eve (it’s our family’s tradition to celebrate this day) my husband’s family is serving a semi-traditional Polish meal. I’m used to it but I’m not sure how my parents are going to like it.

For Christmas day it’s going to be my family’s turn to cook. We’re making a turkey and probably ham too (since it’s my favorite). We’ll see how all of that is going to go.

Anyway. Although it seems like we’re going to be very busy I still have IF swimming around inside of my head. I hope that I can make it through New Year’s.

Welcome to the 2ww!!!

We had our IUI yesterday. Everything went great. We’re now finally in the dreadful two week wait.

The same nurse that got us our BFP last time did our IUI this time. I’m hoping this is good luck. She said our numbers were great (50 mil) and we were ready to rock and roll.

I reminded her to use a different clamp since my cervix needs that extra care. She said that she remembered and she was all set already.

Then she said “well, it seems that your cervix is behaving today”, I had to laugh and said “she better, since I had a serious talk with her.” We both just cracked up laughing. She then told me to hold on and get ready since the insemination was about to happen.

Everything went so smoothly that I had to ask her “are you sure you’re done?” She laughed and said that everything went very smoothly.

I can feel a little bit of cramps here and there but nothing bad at all. It’s strange when we’re looking for pain and something for us to worry, then when we don’t find it then we worry that it’s not there and that something must be wrong.

What a weird vicious cycle this is.

I’m trying my best to stay positive, think positive and not worry. We’ll see how long this lasts since today is only 1dpiui. I still have another 13 days to go. AHHHHHH

Today I started taking my Endometrium. For those who have not tried this yet and only used Prometrium, I have to tell you that Endometrium is SO MUCH better. It’s a huge difference, at least for me. I can’t complain at all.

It’s not like I love doing it but at least it’s much much better than the Prometrium.
Anyway, we’re now trying to get ready for Christmas.

It seems that both our parents are coming to spend Christmas with us. It’s very funny since we’ve NEVER had them both at the same time ever since we’ve been together. Its even stranger is that we said that we wouldn’t celebrate Christmas this year (with the loss of the baby and all) and we’re not only celebrating it but we’re hosting it too. Our house is full of lights and Christmas is here full force.

I’m not complaining at all, it kind of helps my mind stay busy but I thought I would comment on it.

Anyway, one day down and 13 more to go. We’ll see how long I’ll hold off on POAS.

Can’t wait until tomorrow.

I finally have a good update to post. My last appointment with my RE wasn’t so happy for me so I didn’t want to post anything. It’s not that anything bad happened it’s just that my follicles were not ready and I took that a little too hard.

I took a total of 9 days of two shots of medication a day and I have to say that although I was not very happy about that, it wasn’t too bad after all.

It’s funny how our bodies kind of used to doing these things and we start acting like it’s no big deal.

Anyway, yesterday I went in to see my RE. Our wonderful nurse came in and did our ultrasound. They have this new tech machine that we’re not sure if we like it or not. Hahaha. Yeah, you heard it right, we’re now giving our opinion on machines that they use in the office……Tom is actually the one that has been “complaining” about this machine the most.

I guess with the old one, the measurements were clearer for him to see and it would automatically give the average of the follicle, whereas this machine doesn’t. It gives two different measurements and then you have to manually calculate it (or something like that).

The good news is that I have a total of 3 big follicles all together. I have to big ones on my right side and another big one on my left. They’re all about 17-18 which means that they’re all the same size. I’m super excited about that……I’m trying to believe that this is great news and I’m sticking with that.

We’re going in tomorrow (12/17) at 10:15am to have our IUI done. We’re super excited, I’m praying so very hard that this is it for us. I’m trying my best to just think positive and believe that God has been listening to our prayers.

We won’t find out if it worked until New Years Eve. Yes, I know…….TORTUROUS!!!

I’ve already called in my refills for my Endometrin and I should start taking those as of Friday. I’ll be taking one in the morning and one at night for two weeks. Believe me, for someone that has tried both Prometrium and Endometrin, I prefer Endometrin all the way. It’s way easier to apply and it irritates you much less.

The side effects are kind of the same but I’m so used to it that it’s not even worth mentioning.

Alright ladies and gentleman, hold on tight, here we go again.

Two week wait here we come.

Praying for a Christmas/New Years miracle!

Waiting on those Follicles to grow.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated.

Well, I started taking my shots back on Dec 2nd. I did 150IU of Follistim from the 2nd until the 5th.  I’m so used to it that it’s not even funny. The follistim injections are the “easy” ones.

On Dec 6th I started the new combo. I took 75IU of Follistim PLUS 75IU of Menopur, yes ladies and gentleman; I had to give myself 2 separate shots a day. Not only that but the Menopur burns in comparison to the stinging sensation of the Follistim.

The first time I did the combo I think that I was so anxious and nervous about it that my blood pressure must have lowered or something because I felt like I was going to pass out. I didn’t, but still, it was a horrible feeling.

Sadly today, after 5 days of injections I’m somewhat used to this and the last two shots (yesterday and today) were barely noticeable. Isn’t it just sad that we get used to giving ourselves shots in the stomach? If someone were to have told me that one day I would be giving myself shots in the stomach willingly I would have said “you’re crazy”.

So, hopefully today was my last day of stiming and tomorrow when I see my RE he’ll tell me that I have beautiful follicles and that I’m ready to trigger. (Here is so wishful thinking).

I’m also getting my trigger shot delivered tomorrow. I always forget about that darn thing. I called my RE yesterday about it and thankfully they called it in right away and we got it to be delivered tomorrow.

I’m excited about this cycle, I’m going to try not to be too excited and get my hopes up but I’m trying to stay positive and think positive.

I have to say that with the holidays approaching it hasn’t been easy lately. My due date was right around the corner and I was supposed to be super big and ready to pop……and I’m not.
I almost had a meltdown at Target the other day. How pathetic is that?! I could not even walk near the baby isle. The moment I saw it, tears started to roll down and I had to turn around the walk the other way. I was able to hold on to the meltdown until I got home.

Anyway. Back to happy, positive thoughts. Tomorrow is going to be a great day and we’ll figure out when our next IUI is going to be.
Till tomorrow then.