A new World


I’ve been debating if I should post about this or not. Let me be clear, it isn’t shame or fear it is simply weighing out the many advice I’ve been hearing from friends and family.
At the end of the day, it is our decision on how we tackle this and we are a family who is open about our lives, struggles and successes. We do it because it can help someone and it helps us process all of it as well.

This past August our girls started pre-school and they are loving it. I have had this gut feeling for a long time that something was special about our big girl Bella. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had this nagging feeling. So I started writing things down and taking notes. One day while talking to one of the pre-school teachers I mentioned it to her and she asked me if I was thinking that she had Autism.

Me and my ignorant self, stopped to think about it and all that I could “see” as a comparison were the severe autistic examples. I simply was not (and still I’m not) educated enough to know about the other umbrellas that autism covers. So we talked about it and she mentioned Asperger’s. While reading through it, I saw it. So many pieces fit, so many of them. I just knew right then and there. But being a factual person I asked the school to monitor her and let me know if they too noticed anything. Within a month or so, they came back to me letting me know that yes they too were seeing things that simply weren’t clicking.

We then worked with the school district in getting her tested and they came back with Speech Delay and Developmental Delay. Even though she scored above the cut off on Autism, it was decided that after observing her in class that she didn’t fit that category.

Now, let me be clear. I’m not wishing my daughter to have Autism, I just needed to follow my gut as a mom. So I did what I had to do, I reached out to our family doctor who directed us to a child development specialist. The waiting to get this evaluation was 6-9months. That’s just brutal. But we waited.

This past Monday we did our assessment and my concerns were right. Our Bella is special and she’s in the spectrum, level 1 (High Functioning Autism). What does that mean for us? What does that change? What now?

Well, it doesn’t change anything really, Bella is still my sweet, loving and smart girl. She’s still the same. We just now know a little more about her and we will then work on getting the right tools and resources to help her get through some challenges.

As I mentioned before, I’m not well educated on this new world yet, but I’m working on that.

Miss Bella is still the same, there’s not need to change how we treat her or act around her. She will have tough days when her pants are too tight and the lights/sounds bother her and we will be there to help her get through those struggles every step of the way.

We have shared with some people about our new world and A LOT of them say to me “really, she doesn’t look it” and I try my very best to explain to them the very little that I know about it.

If you’re a parent and you have that little nagging feeling that something is different and you can’t put your finger on it, then I hope this helps you some.

Here are some of them things I took note of:

  • Speech Delay – avoids eye contact – over attachment to thing – twinkling of fingers – throws huge tantrums that requires long holding to calm down – hard time transitioning from one task to another – sound, light and smell sensitivity – likes being alone – lack of facial expressions – intrusive at social interactions – repeats every last option when asked a question – clumsiness – copies her sister/peers – Unaware of danger (this is a big one that really scares me)

I don’t mean that if your child has these things that he or she has autism, I am just describing our situation and circumstances.

I’m hoping to use this platform to learn all that I can about the world of autism, to maybe one-day help someone that will be in my shoes. Entering a new world without any prior knowledge and trying to navigate through it.

If you read my blog you will know that I am not afraid of speak up, to look for information and facts. That’s how I deal with things. Writing also helps me release my stress and anxiety a lot.



Through Thick and Thin 13 years


Thirteen years ago today I went on a date with this very tall, handsome man. We met at face to face at Starbucks and he asked me out to a movie in the most gentle way possible and even suggested I brought along my brother and his gf so I would feel more safe.

There we were, a Polish white man and a Brazilian Latin woman. Our romance started and it was intense. I think we both knew it from the very beginning.

Our relationship has been unique from the start. When we were together, without anyone else, it felt like we were invincible, there was nothing in the world that could tear us apart.
But unfortunately life wasn’t that simple.

We had many obstacles to face, we had forces working tirelessly against us in order to break us apart. It almost worked a couple of times but we were resilient and we knew that if we stayed together we could get through anything.

We honestly thought that those were the hardest days of our lives.

Little did we know that the hardest days were still ahead of us.

Like many couples, we wanted to expand our family but once again, it wasn’t that simple or that easy. Infertility hit us hard. I always say that we are the Perfect Infertile couple. Someone has to laugh about it so why not us.


If you have been fortunate to not suffer through infertility, then please count your blessings. Aside from the financial struggles, this disease attacks every aspect of your being. It makes you question EVERYTHING and worst yet, it isolates you. But miraculously instead of tearing us apart it brought us even closer to each other and it somehow mended some broken relationships.

For sure those had to be the worst we could ever have to face, right? Wrong again.

We experienced death in our family in the most traumatic way. Suicide.

That has to be the one thing that shook us in a way that can not be explained. It has changed us in a way that has yet to make sense and I hope that it will be for the better one day. Somehow in the midst of this darkness we were able to find out who our true friends were and we even managed to make amazing friends because of it.

Our marriage has been challenged in many different ways, and I have been punched in the gut more times than I wish I had. But our love for each other has stayed strong.
We are a very simple couple, we are humble and we don’t need much to make us happy.

Because of so many adventures in our lives, we don’t have too many local friends and we have found the best of friends within each other. I absolutely Love that.

So, where am I going with this? Marriage is a lot of work. It sure it. But with love and respect for one another we can get through anything. Even through the darkest of times, as long as we lean on each other and see things as our issues, as our problems, then we can conquer the world.

I have been very blessed to have found someone who loves me for who I am.

I have never experienced love like this. There were always comments about my weight or how I look and I found someone that just loves me the way the I am. My husband’s main concern isn’t about the number on my scale, it is about how happy I am with who I am. My husband takes all of me, the good and the bad and I am very grateful for that.

So honey, I love you. You are my best friend and I know that at times we drive each other completely insane, but I know that at the end of the day, there is no one I would rather fight through all of this than you.

13 years ago today, a boy met a girl and asked her out. 11 years ago today we said YES in front of God and all of our friends. I steel do babe. Love, your Koala.


The c-section !!! My babies are here !!!


December 28th, 2013

After my meltdown, the nurse came in and of course witness my crying bits. Asked me if I was ok and tried to make me feel better too.  She was very sweet, but I was nervous and there wasn’t much anyone could do to really calm me down.

It was go time. The nurse told me to walk to the O.R. (which was very different than my first section, as with my son, I was wheeled into the operating room). As I walked back, right in front of the first doors, I saw my surgeon and 3 different nurses.

Dr.Esguerra asked me if I liked music and what type. I told him that I did and anything calming would be great. The staff started laughing and told him to make sure it was calming………I guess that wasn’t his style. LOL

I walked into that beautiful, cold O.R. My nurse explained to me where I needed to go and what was about to happen. Dr. Shaffer was there already. She explained to me in details what I needed to do.

The spinal is different than the epidural as there isn’t a line that stays on your back (as it does with the epidural). It’s one shot. She coached me to as soon as she tells me that the needle is out that I needed to help them move my legs up and into the bed and lay flat so the “block” could occur (the block is the area where your body goes numb, so from chest down)

The spinal wasn’t too bad but at the same time it was not a walk in the park. She had to try a couple of spots before she got the right place. I tried my best to push my back out but I just couldn’t be of much help there.

Once she told me that the needle was out, I tried to move my leg. Man she wasn’t kidding. The right leg went up fine, but the left leg was a struggle. I laid down and she stayed by my ears asking me questions. I was feeling fine for a minute or two, but then my shoulders started to hurt BAD. As if my joints were out of place or something.

The anesthesiologist kept talking to me the entire time and she periodically would ask me to squeeze her hands as she did warn and request of me to let her know if my arms went numb or tingling.

Suddenly I felt VERY tired. I was pretty aware of what was going on but I just couldn’t help myself. My words were slurred and I was very very sleepy. Of course the anesthesiologist was very aware of what was going on.
I could hear her telling the doctor how low my heart rate was and how low my blood pressure was.
She kept asking me questions and I tried to answer as much as I could, I could hear myself slurring my words but I couldn’t bring myself to speak normal, it just didn’t work.

Then I got smacked a couple of times. You know what I mean, she had her hands around my face and smacked me a couple of times and said those words that you see in movies “stay with me” !!
Then she called to the doctor saying that she was going to give me some meds to reverse the effect of whatever drug she gave me.

It wasn’t until I was able to talk without slurring my words that they brought Tom into the O.R.

It didn’t take long as when I walked into the O.R. exactly at 1pm.

Tom came in, sat by my side. The anesthesiologist was AWESOME. She narrated the entire thing for me.
It was clear that Tom was nervous, he didn’t look very often but I know he did.

The doctor was also letting me know what he was doing. Then, Dr.Shaffer said, “ok, he’s ready to bring them out”. The doctor said, here she is……..

Suddenly I heard the most BEAUTIFUL scream in the world.

At 1:31pm Izabella Marcondes Bocianski was born and she made sure to let everyone in the hospital know that she made her entrance. They had her NICU team on the outside/post partum area, just so the O.R. wouldn’t be so crowded. They moved her there right away and the entire time we could all hear her.

Meet Izabella !!!

Meet Izabella !!!

Then the doctor said he was going in for baby B. It felt like a long time, but of course it wasn’t.
Again, Dr.Shaffer was narrating everything that was going on and when it was time she said “here she comes!”

At 1:34pm Maya Ellena was born. The problem was that I didn’t hear a single peep out of her.
Of course, I was frantic. I kept looking at Tom asking him if she was ok. He looked over to where she was but wouldn’t say anything to me. Then he looked down to the floor (not sure if he even remember that), I was getting so freaked out.

Meet Maya Ellena

Meet Maya Ellena

Of course, Dr.Shaffer came to the rescue. She started telling me everything that was going on. She explained that Maya was a little shocked and needed a little bit of oxygen and they had a mask over her face and that’s why I wasn’t hearing her, but that she was ok and she was making noises.

They brought in an incubator type of thing to transport her. The nurses came in and told Tom that he could go see them if he wanted and of course he went. He came back to tell me that they were both ok.

Then this magical nurse brought in one of my daughters for me to see. Tom tried to position himself to take a picture of us, and this magical nurse took some pictures. Then my amazing Dr.Shaffer said,  “no, no, let’s do it this way”.
She whisked Izabella from Tom’s arms and brought her to my face so I could smell her and kiss on her.

IMG_0168 IMG_0169

She then positioned her just right so we could take a picture of her with me. It was magical and I thank them both SO MUCH for that moment. Then of course, both babies needed to go to get evaluated as I got stitched up together.

Mommy giving Bella some love

Mommy giving Bella some love

After it was all done, I sat in post-partum for about 2 hours.  That’s when the unfortunate shakes started. Ugh I hate that part. You just can’t control it and your body starts shaking.

Loving on my baby

Loving on my baby

After the 2 hours was up, my amazing nurse wheeled me into the NICU so I could see my babies. There they were, just BEAUTIFUL. I got to touch them (barely as I was still very  numb and in my bed). I spent a little time with them, and then I was taken to my room.

That’s when I first asked for some pain meds. I hate the assessment part of the deal, as they push on your recent cut and sewed back uterus multiple times and it hurts like HELL.

My nurses were amazing. If I remember correctly my labor nurse’s name was Jessica and my post-partum nurse’s name was Jess. LOVED THEM.!

Last L&D visit……..babies here we come

Hello Everyone, I’m so sorry that I haven’t updated since I was 27 wks pregnant. That is a long time ago. so so sorry.

Well, my girls have arrived and I thought that I would write down their birth story as much as I can remember. Here it goes:

34wks6days. Last Pregnant Picture !

Last Pregnant Picture !

December 27th, 2013.

We had a great Christmas holiday and everything was going just fine with our pregnancy. I had been getting more and more Braxston Hicks contractions and my doctor was aware of it. For me it was a new experience as I did not have any with my son.

On the 27th, I noticed that I was getting them more and more frequently. At nighttime they were pretty uncomfortable and they were about 5 minutes apart. I made sure to let Tom know about it, drank tons of water, and I mean tons of it and went to bed early.

December 28th, 2013

I woke up pretty often throughout the night just feeling very uncomfortable. Finally at 6am, I decided to count the contraction and time them (thanks to my fun iphone app). I confirmed that they were 5 minutes apart and I had plenty of them within the hour. I woke Tom up and we decided that it was time for us to head to L&D just in case.  Grandma stayed home with our handsome boy, and we made sure that we had everything packed in our car.

On our way over there, I made sure to count my contractions. From our home to the hospital, it’s a 45 minutes drive and by the time I got there I had a total of 16 contractions, which meant that they were now every 3 minutes instead of 5. We arrived at the hospital at around 8am or so. They hooked me up to everything and the girls were doing great. My doctor was out of town and we had Dr.Esguerra, and i quickly found out what a sweet man he was. He kept calling me sweetie but not in a weird, but a very relaxing and calming way. He checked my cervix and I was dilated 1cm, zero effaced and a -3 stage. which  meant that nothing was really going on besides my contractions.

They gave me some IV fluids to see if I was dehydrated and maybe that would calm down my contractions but that didn’t work. The next step was giving me a shot of terbutaline. I took that, which made my heart race quite a bit and then we waited for about 1 hr. The entire time the girls were hooked to the machine and everything was going well with them.

The doctor came back within the hour, I was still not dilated but my contractions were still happening every 3 minutes. He then said to me, well dear, it’s not stopping now is it? I don’t want to send you home and you keep contracting and risk your previous scar from tearing. So I think that the best plan is to have these babies today.

Of course, I’m up for anything that is safe for my babies. He explained that the anesthesiologist would be coming in to talk to me, and then the nurses would prep me and take me into the O.R.

Everything happened very quickly. I got up to use the restroom and made some calls to let my mom and other people know that our princesses were arriving that day.
The nurse came in with these wet pads that were rather thick and a paper with instructions on how to clean myself. I have to say that it was quite interesting to do that.

I cleaned myself as I talked to my mother on the phone. She was a little bit freaked out when I told her the news and wasn’t sure what to do. I told her to just stay put and wait and see what happens after the section.

The anesthesiologist came in, her name was Dr.Shaffer. She was this sweet petite lady and she was the nicest person ever. She explained in detail what was going to happen, checked on my back and asked if I had any questions. I asked my questions and she said, “well, I’ll see you at around 1pm”

After we were all “ready” and clean I sat there with Tom. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just started bawling.

I was so freaking scared. I’m not sure exactly what I was scared of the most………but I was so so scared. I won’t lie, my subconscious new when I left the house that my babies were arriving that day, BUT, I still wasn’t mentally prepared for it. I was afraid that they weren’t ready. that my body failed me and that they would spend an eternity in the NICU and I was so sad and scared.

Of course my incredible husband was right there beside me to calm me down. He is incredible and I don’t know how he does it, but he is so capable of calming me down and giving me the sense of security and that everything is going to be ok.

To be continued…….

27wks and confirming Gestational Diabetes

27wks 4 days

Let’s first start with fun and exciting news. We had our last 3/4D ultrasound done the other day (it was a repeat ultrasound since the first time we went the girls weren’t behaving).

We had a wonderful tech and she was very kind and very patient. This time baby A was being the cooperative one and baby B kept hiding her face the entire time. But as you can see we got some great pictures of them both. This time around, the tech said that it appears as if both of them have hair. So I am just so very curious to see what they’ll look like in person.

My sweet girls. They are so perfect.

My sweet girls. They are so perfect.

I did my 1hr glucose test and I failed. They were looking for something under 139 and mine was 167.

I then did the 3hr glucose test (I HATE that one). And my results were:
fasting was 86 (70-94)
1hr was 167 (70-179)
2hr was 168 (70-154)
3hr was 148 (70-139)

Needless to say I did not pass the 2hr or the 3hr test. My doctor is still not concerned. I haven’t talked to him personally but from what I gathered he is not at all concerned and is blaming it all on me having 2 placentas and me already being insulin resistant to begin with.

Yesterday I had my first meeting with a dietician and she explained to me that she too is not worried about my levels just yet but that I will have a harder time with it the further along I get. The way she explained it was that the bigger the placentas get the more hormones they release, making it more difficult for the insulin to travel and causing my blood sugar to spike.

She then showed me how to test my sugar and how often I should check them. Since I failed the 2hr test I have to test my sugars 2hrs after each meal. I did go home with a fancy little machine that reads all the levels and stores it all for me.

I have a beautiful list of foods to eat and not to eat and how to pair them up. It’s funny because there’s a lot more eating involved, just in smaller portions. I guess I better get used to it.

I am still a bit confused as of when my third trimester starts so I guess I won’t be saying that I’m there yet.

What I can say is that my doctor has set a date for my maternity leave to start. November 15th is my last working day then I have to take it easy. Taking it easy won’t be an easy task but I will do whatever it takes to keep my girls safe.

26wks and Gestational Diabetes Test

26 weeks

26 weeks


We have reached viability and I couldn’t be happier.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment. Because I see a high risk ob, I do get to see the girls every single time that we go there. It’s not for very long, but at least I get to see them.

Today both were measuring at 26 weeks and 6 days and they are both weighing at a little over 2 lbs each. Which I think is amazing to know.  Also, baby A was “smacking” her lips for us. So so cute

I also had my 1hr glucose test, I guess we shall see what the results say about that.

As always, I asked the doctor lots of questions.

We talked about my rib cage pain, and he said that the pain is coming from the cartilage that is softening and separating and there’s not much that we can do. But if it gets too bad, that we can treat it with pain meds.

We talked about my placentas. He said that he is amazed with how they are located. He said that with the early ultrasounds that he was sure worried for me and he just can’t believe how much they have shifted.  He said he doesn’t get to see such a drastic change like mine too often.

We talked about scheduling a c-section. His words were “although you don’t believe you’ll make it until January, I do”. And that the plan it for me to go as long as I can go and then we will see and discuss what’s best after each appointment. Even if that means that I bring my bags each and every time I see him. LOL

The last conversation was about work. He wants me to stop working as of November 15th. Just take it easy and get used to all the changed that my body are making and aches and pains. I am ok with that decision after this week and all of the rib cage pain that I’ve been having.

I also met with their midwife and talked about my dizzy spells. She wants me to drink 12 cups of water per day. SAY WHAT? That’s a lot. I also need to up my protein intake. I need 100gm of protein per day. That’s a LOT!! Better learn to read labels soon!!!

Needless to say, I have to really pack our hospital bags now. I just feel like it needs to be done. Just in case.

Here’s hoping to hear good news from the doctor’s office on the glucose test and if all is well then I go back in 2 wks, if not, then I will see them again either this week or first thing next week.

Grow babies grow! Mommy loves you. 

24 weeks – Feeling tired and dizzy spells

This past Sunday the family and I went to the big city to get a 3/4D ultrasound and to do some shopping.

Although it’s quite a drive, the weather is still good and it was nice to do something different once in a while. Of course, the babies were not being so cooperative, so that wasn’t helpful at all.

None the less, we double checked and we are still having girls. I don’t know what it is that I’m always so worried and want to make sure that it doesn’t change.

The technician was hilarious, she asked me if I had lots of back pain, to which I responded “yes” and she said that the way that baby A is located is probably what’s causing it, as well as the fact that she’s riding my bladder. Baby B was up really high and hiding under my rib cage. She said that baby B was probably the one causing my heartburn problems. LOL

Both babies were looking so big, I loved watching them. Unfortunately they were both turned back to us and although we tried a lot to have them turn, it just wasn’t 100% successful. Baby A refused to do that. We were only able to get a couple of shots of her face and they were somewhat in motion. That means that I get to go back, free of charge, and have this redone. YAY

Izabella @ 24wks1day aka baby A

Izabella @ 24wks1day
aka baby A

Maya Ellena @24wks1day aka Baby B

Maya Ellena @24wks1day
aka Baby B


As far as doctor’s appointments, I had one done today. I guess I’m putting on 1lb a wk of weight and that scares me, but my doctor seems to be happy with that. He looked at the girls real quick and said that they are both measuring at about 1.5lbs each. So awesome to hear that.

We talked about my c-section and my reaction to the white staples (they came out like zits with Patryck. It didn’t hurt but I thought I would let him know) and we talked about him being around for the holidays.  He said that he is Super happy with how things are going with me and that he believes that I’ll make it until January. He said that he has rarely seen two previas like mine and the fact that they have moved so much has really been incredible.

I guess I didn’t know how bad it really was. I am glad that things are going well then. I also talked to him about dizzy spells, which I’ve been having lots of and he said that they are not harmful but for me to be careful and let him know if it gets worse. My bloodpressure was good so that’s always good news.

I get to go back in a couple of week for another check up and to have my GD test done. I am no looking forward to that and here’s hoping that it goes well so I don’t have to repeat it. (Insert wishful thinking).